Annoying Phone Calls Touting

We all get them, you know; the annoying phone calls just when you are in the middle of something and you get interrupted by the phone ringing and the air turns a mild shade of blue, just to find someone from a foreign call centre who can barely speak English trying to tout for business and sell you something you neither need or want, or cannot afford. Over many years I have perfected my responses, yes I have my own double glazing company, building company, sofit and facsia company, driveway company, and I don't need electricity, gas, water, or solar panels on my roof; if you are selling it by touting for business by ringing me at the most inconvenient time than I have my own company which does it.

WELL, THATS MY STORY AND i'M STICKING TO IT.

That deterred many companies at first.

Before we lost my father, he had Parkinsons Disease and anyone knowing about this knows while the medication is working they appear normal, but when it wears off the last thing they need is to be trying to answer the phone and dealing with the pressure selling.

This led to my second form of defence, screw you, you are paying for the call and if I keep you on for as long as possible it will take up your time and your time taken up with me is less time to call and bother others, so this was my new technique. My record is 28 minutes 47 seconds for keeping someone selling on the phone, and it works. My father used to keep a stopwatch and actually time me until I told him the phone had a call duration timer on it, theres a challenge for anyone doing the same, can you beat this time.

Its strange how I still receive a number of calls even though I am Ex-directory and registered with the Telephone Preference Service (TPS) to stop such calls, they suddenly come in from foreign call centres. Only today I had one.

[b]Hello!

"!**%_((&$!:@@&^_$$!}>:<

What the f****************ck.
£(*%%£"!:<@{_%((*$£"

Speak bloody English, what do you want.

&^^£"!!Talk Talk((^£!!@ broadband<_&&><@{+^£"!

Got another dear, don't worry, my other half smiled as she knew what was coming.

Are you Mr ($"!)((%$£

No, I'm me, are you you.

I ringing about order.

Not ordered a Chinese.

Talk Talk can save you up to 50% off your call and broadband, you have broadband.

What the fu*ks that got to do with you.

You with Sky, Virgin, other company.

No I inside on telephone talking to you, sky outside, and no virgins round here, too much fu*keeeeeee fu*keeeeeeeee goes on round here.

How much you phone and broadband cost you.

Whats that got to do with you.

You save 50%, how much you pay calls and broadband.

Now't, mines free, can you do it cheaper than free.

Where you live.

At home, where do you think.

You live with woman.

Yeah, Im not a woofter.

What woofer.

You get the picture from here on in.

Unfortunately this call missed my record by a couple of minutes and I have the satisfaction of knowing I saved several people the trouble of trying to understand someone who could barely speak English

With the barrage of unsolicited calls we get, cut considerably by joining the TPS, they are nearly all from foreign call centres, and if they display a number it is saved in the phones and listed as Joker, Joker1, Joker2, etc. Considerable scope exists for selecting your own company and using your own systems, here are a few I use.

If one comes up they get a response they weren't expecting.

Hello, Anne Summers/Private Shop sex toy telephone order line, please have your credit card details and address details ready: CLICK.

Hello, Tesco/Morrisons/ Asda/ Aldi/Netto/Sainsburys (whichever supermarket I choose) Derby, how may I help you: CLICK.
I pick whichever supermarket I feel like.

You have reached the residence of The Right Honourable David Cameron MP, The Prime Minister, how may I help you: CLICK.

Or you can have my recorded messages: You wait for them to speak and pick any multi-national company.

Hello, you've reached the corporate order line for Tata steel, please hold while your call is diverted to our corporate order centre in India, please note calls from a BT landline will be charged at £8.60 per minute, all calls will be recorded for training purposes: CLICK.

Hello, you've reached Medical Delight, the beauty medical procedure specialists, please select from one of the following options: press 1 for facelifts and general skin surgery: press 2 for breast augmentation: press 3 for cellulite removal: press 4 for penis enlargement, press 5 for any other surgery, please select now. Wait for 5 seconds; please select now, wait 5 seconds, we have not recognised your selection so please ensure you're using a touch phone. If you're not using a touch phone, please hang up and try again using a touch phone, and hang up.

The great joy is hearing the CLICK when they hang up and wondering if the blocks of numbers they purchased are wrong and they feel ripped off.